Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Possible Alternative Names for Windows 8

An Open Letter to Microsoft

Without meaning to deliberately follow in the footsteps of Ned Ludd, I wish to register my displeasure with the Grand Arbiter for their recent and latest release of a so-called "operating system". Of course, it's Windows 8, derided, despised, discarded.

Come on, Micro$oft (couldn't resist). This is just a waste of a set of version numbers. It's not big, it's not clever and it certainly isn't funny. Unlike IT, which is certain big, clever and funny.

Between the inception of Windows 3.1 and Windows XP, there was a gradual ramp-up of technology and stylistic elements, leading ultimately to Windows XP, which I have used for many, many years. It is an excellent balance of normal use and power user use. It was, and please excuse me Linus, bloody excellent. But following this, every version has dumbed down. Gone are many of the power user elements. Gone are many of the wonderful tools which I actually flippin' needed to do my job. Gone is a workable and basic version of Paint, for frack's sake. All I feel I'm left with are shiny, colourful and ultimately hollow shapes, and it's really not amusing.

I understand the need to modernise, the need to move on from Windows 98SE and even from Windows XP (I know, radical move). But in moving to a silly app-based system, you've alienated me completely. I can't take these massive icons and glitzy animations seriously.

In emulating your arch-rivals, the sinful Apple Corporation, you've really achieved nothing. Look at this stuff. It's the ultimate victory of style over substance. You've basically spent a good deal of time polishing a turd, if that turd was Windows 7.

Alright, Windows 7 isn't thoroughly awful. Why, I hear you ask, do I think this? Touchscreen technology. Macroshit, whilst I understand that you think touchscreens and HUDs are the future, they're really not. Look around my office, and the offices of my peers, and the offices of pretty much everyone on the planet. Hey, look at most home users whilst you're at it. Who the frack is using touchscreens on their laptops and desktop computers? Pretty much nobody on the planet, that's who.

If your target market is preppy tweenagers looking at BaceFook and BlueTube all day, or even style-over-substance loving media moghuls in their ivory towers, then by all means pursue your target market, and I wish you every luck. But for pity's sake, please don't inflict awful operating systems on the rest of us. I'm not going to ask you to carry on support for old operating systems (although that would be nice). Maybe I'm not even going to ask you to release additional patches which make Windows 8 look more like, well, a useable operation system. Just please, make sure your next operating system isn't quite so crap. And give me Paint back.

(If you could also find it in your heart to release open-source versions of operating systems you've classified as "obsolete", most people in the galaxy would probably also be happy. Just a thought, and I don't suppose you will.)

In the mean-time, please enjoy the following list of alternative names for Windows 8.1 (and Office 2013, and Outlook 2010, and Microsoft, actually).

Yours Shamefully,


A Dissatisfied Customer

Possible Alternative Names

Windows 8.1

  • Windows Hate
  • Windows Wait
  • Windows Late
  • Windows Crate
  • Windows Error Bait
  • Windows Crash Spate
  • Windoze 8
  • Windows Bad Date
  • Windows Deteriorate
  • Windows Fate
  • Windows Reprobate
  • Windows Ain't No Fun
  • Windows Infuriate
  • Windows Please Wait
  • Windows Beta
  • Windows Frustrate

Office 2013

  • Vexcel 2013
  • Exhell 2013
  • Urgh'd 2013
  • Blurgh'd 2013

Outlook 2010

  • Outf**k 2010

Microsoft Corporation

  • Micro$oft
  • Micros**t
  • Macros**t
Of course, dear reader, should you wish to add your own, please do so. I'd be most happy to add virtually anything to the above list.

3 comments:

imogenshep said...

Paint is in Windows 8, I used it the other day. Plus, I like it, it took a bit of getting used to as it's so different to 7, but I think it's pretty user friendly, especially after using a smartphone all day.

Ben Shepherd said...

Paint? Why do you want to use Paint?

Marcus said...

Drawing fun pictures? I don't know. It was more the straw that broke the camel's back than anything that I definitively can't work without.